A Little Wave’ll Do It!

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd….
The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, “Do you know that with a single little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!”
Pelosi replied, “I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope backhanded the bitch and knocked her off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!

Kind of brings a tear to your eyes, doesn’t it?

Sometimes it's best to pretend to not hear her!
WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
..................(pause)...........................
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it's almost new
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- silence - -
HUSBAND:
F***

Statues in the park
Two statues have been standing in a park for 100 years, they are a pair of young lovers reaching their hands towards one another, not quite touching. They've been that way for 100 years, reaching out, but never quite touching. A friendly angel flies past and looks down and takes pity on them because they've been reaching out for so long and never quite touching. The angel summons all his/her strength and powers and brings them to life. But the most that the angel can do is bring them to life for half an hour. The angel tells them "I have brought you to life, but I can only do this for half an hour, my full powers cannot give you any more. But for that half hour you may do whatever it is you've been wishing to do for the 100 years you've been there, reaching out to one another but never quite touching". The pair thank the angel very much and disappear into the bushes. There is much grunting, groaning, rustling of leaves and similar sounds. Eventually, after 15 minutes the couple re-emerge looking very happy. "But" said the angel "you've only used 15 minutes and I gave you half an hour. Why don't you go back and do it again ?" "Oh yes" says the young man to the young girl "why don't we ? Except this time you hold the pigeon and I'll shit on it"

Should have stayed in Bed!
A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning.” I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"  "But the guy was drunk," says the husband.  "It doesn't matter," says the wife.” He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.  He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere,  He shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"  And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."  So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

Next Stop; Vegas!
A blonde got on a plane for Las Vegas and sat in 1st class. The flight attendant checked her ticket & said she was booked in coach. The blonde would not move and said she was blonde, beautiful & going to Las Vegas. A second flight attendant spoke to her ---she refused to move & said she was blonde, beautiful & going to Las Vegas. Then they asked the pilot to tell her to move and she told him the same thing refusing to move. The pilot then whispered something in her ear & she got up and went into coach. The attendants asked him what he said to her--- he said he told the blonde that 1st class didn't stop in Las Vegas.
 

HOW A MARRIAGE WORKS
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.  The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies .
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan , India ,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,
'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'  She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. 
I promise. OK?'
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your goddamn frozen mug and eat your m****rf***ing snacks, because you are married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'
........and, they lived happily ever after.

Unemployment Sucks!!
This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

Monkeys
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.  As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all the other monkeys with cold water. After a while another monkey makes the attempt with same result, all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put the cold water away. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the Stairs.
To his shock, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs he is attacked.
Hang on…
Most of the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, nor why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.
Why not?
Because as far as they know, that is the way it has always been done around here.
And that, my fellow monkeys, is how Congress operates…
And that is why we need to replace ALL of the original monkeys this November.

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. “Follow me son” the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. “First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.” And they did. “Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.” And they did. “Now we eat everybody.” And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked,” Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?”
His wise father replied, “Because they taste better without the shit inside!”
Now you know…
Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.

My Building Permit
I recently applied for a building permit for my new house.
It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim.
The City laughed and told me to go to hell.
I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque.
Work starts on Monday…..
 

The Doctor Said?
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said "If you don't do the following, your husband will die: 1) Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. 2) At lunch make him a warm and nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work. 3) For dinner fix him an especially nice meal and don't burden him with household chores. 4) Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim." On the way home the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said. She replied "You're going to die."

Better Plan Ahead
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

The doctor says!
A woman in her forties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.'
The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 45-year old arse?'
'Your name never came up,' she replied.

What did you say?
A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 feet tall, 450 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The small guy faints. The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong with you?" The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?" The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 450 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'."
 

The New Nuns (;-)
There are 3 new nuns and a mother superior. The mother superior tells the 3 nuns that before they can receive their saint name they had one final test. She told them to go commit one sin so that they would not have urges to be bad... After the 3 nuns return, the mother superior says, "Did you commit your sins?" They all shake their heads yes. The first 2 nuns are crying, the 3rd is giggling. The mother superior says to the first one, "What sin did you commit child?" The first nun answers with tears in her eyes. "I was just rotten, I picked flowers from someone's garden." The mother superior says, "Go drink the holy water and it will be alright," The 3rd nun is dancing around in laughter. The mother superior asks the 2nd one. Her whole body is shaking and she is crying. "I stole candy from a baby." The mother superior says, "My child drink the holy water and you are forgiven. The 3rd nun falls on the floor hysterically laughing. The mother superior is disgusted and asks, "What are you laughing at?" The 3rd nun is barely able to answer through her tears of laughter," I peed in the Holy water."
 

The Assassins Last Field Test
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out
with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?'
Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'
'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'
Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, Oh ! God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'
The Nun fainted.

ALERT--!!Shit Balls!! On Beach In LA---ALERT
Just as the tar balls from the blown out oil well are diminishing from the Gulf of Mexico, Gulf residents have yet another problem. Shit balls from Washington are now starting to appear in Gulf waters. See proof below.

Man & his Monkey
A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. He sits down and orders a beer. As he's drinking his beer, his monkey starts running around.
The monkey first picks up an olive from an empty glass and eats it. Then he grabs a wedge of lime and eats that too. The bartender is amazed! The monkey then runs to a pool table where he proceeds to grab the cue ball and swallow it whole! The bartender shrieks, "Hey, Mister, your fucking monkey ate my cue ball!" The guy replies, "Yeah, he's a crazy bastard! I'll pay for everything." The man pays for everything, apologizes and exits. Two weeks later the man returns with the monkey again. He sits down and orders a beer. As he's drinking, the monkey jumps on top of the bar, grabs a cocktail cherry, jams it up his ass, and then eats it! The bartender is astonished. He shrieks, "Mister, your monkey just shoved a cherry up his ass and ate it!" The man replies, "Yeah, I know! After the cue ball, he's learned to measure everything first!"
 

That's how you wave a towel
An older Jewish gentleman married a younger lady and they were very much in love. However, no matter what the husband did sexually, the woman never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decided to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listened to their story, stroked his beard, and made the following suggestion, Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm. They went home and followed the rabbi's advice. They hired a handsome young man and he waved a towel over them as they made love. But it didn't help and she was still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they went back to the rabbi. Okay, said the rabbi, let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them. Once again, they followed the rabbi's advice. The young man got into bed with the wife and the husband waved the towel. The young man got to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon had an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm. The husband smiled, looked at the young man and said to him triumphantly, You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!

Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?' 'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it . She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.' Bob's funeral will be on Friday.

Shuda checked first
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

Always wear clean undies
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.
From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked cross the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The RAC mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.